Last night was one of those nights. The racing heartbeat woke me multiple times, and the pain in my body had me turning like a rotisserie chicken every 10 minutes. I think I got about 3 hours sleep all up. At about 6.30am, the mind games started.

“I can’t go to work today, I feel awful.””

“You have to go, you only work two days now.”

“My heart rate’s not stable, I’ll make it worse if I go.”

“It’s one more day. You can push through one more day.”

“Make a decision, you only have until 7am to call in sick.”

“Just get up and go. Take extra painkillers, have a salty breakfast. You can’t call in sick.
You’re only working two days!”

I decided to go to work. I got out of bed, and as soon as I stood up, my heart rate jumped from 75 to 130 – it took less than a minute. My eyes did their weird wobble thing, where I lose focus, and I had to sit down on the bed to stop myself from passing out. I lay back down and called in sick.

I live with so much guilt now, for letting people down, for not going to events, for staying home while my husband and kids go out. The voice in my head tells me I’m lazy for letting the house get messy, and for choosing to stay in bed while everyone else is up living their life. Then the fear and anger sets in. I’m only 39! I’ve got another 40 or 50 years to live, I can’t spend it in bed. I have to be better, I have to be stronger!

Today I know I made the right decision for my health – going to work and moving between classrooms, and doing playground duty would not have been safe. I know that. I do.

The guilt though, that’s another story.

Jo x